First, let me say, this is a discussion that I am SO SICK of that I felt it was time for me to address it, as a Black Woman. I get tired of reading articles that I don’t believe quite describe my feelings when it comes to interracial dating. I’m tired of being misrepresented. I know black women who are being described in those “angry black women” articles but I’m not one of them.
Most of you know that I grew up in VA because of my About Sammi section. Let me fill you in on life in northern VA. Life in Virginia was/is a blast! I had great friends and went on to become popular through middle and high school. There was a lot to do. My family and I were always doing super fun things like going to Luray Caverns, VA beach, playing frisbee in DC, riding huge rollercoasters at Kings Dominion. As a young black girl, I could literally want for nothing. My parents were divorced but they loved my siblings and I so much that life was always good. I was in gymnastics, a cheerleader and ran track. I was always athletic and had an active social life. I went to the best parties and my mom let me drive her car. She worked nights so her car was practically mine. I lived a pretty coveted life. I was never as skinny as the other females and that was a slight issue for me but I knew I had a great body because boys/men were always trying to talk to me.
Nevertheless, dating in VA was interesting. I grew up in Manassas then we moved to Manassas City and the black boys/men mostly dated white girls/women in Manassas City. Manassas City was more of the bougie (stuck-up) side of town. My mother moved over there to give us a “better” quality of life but I liked my life just fine where I was in Manassas. My mom felt Manassas was too “ghetto” after she saw a drug bust go down across the street from where we lived. She couldn’t move out of Manassas fast enough after that and now, seeing her vision through the eyes of being a mother myself, I can completely understand her perspective at that time.
The kids in Manassas City were more mature, more sexually active and just all-around different. I used to go to parties down the street from my house where everyone was having sex and my mom had no clue. The girl’s house that I would visit did not have any parents present. I’ll call her “that girl” for the sake of preserving her reputation. “That girl” was raised by a single mother and her mom would always go out of town to be with her boyfriend. I think I might have met her mother maybe once. I remember the first time I went to “that girl’s” house, there were people everywhere. Children of all races. I hope they were all kids but some of them did look old enough to be men. Once again, another story for another day.
I didn’t even know who half the people were because I had just moved to Manassas City. I knew some of the faces but I didn’t know the guys personally. This party basically consisted of the “cool, popular” crowd and I don’t think I fit in at all but for some reason everyone always loves me. That’s another post on that subject….lol.
As I entered middle school, I learned very quickly that I would not be able to find a boyfriend in my school in Manassas City. All the black boys dated white girls and I only dated black boys and that math just didn’t add up. If anything, the math (and way of thinking) cancelled black females out. I never considered dating outside of my race. I was a military brat growing up, primarily, in the 80s and 90s in northern Virginia and I wasn’t raised to dislike any race but interracial dating was just something I wasn’t used to. I saw white boys who were cute but I thought they would reject me if I tried to suggest us going on a date, so I never asked.
I typically dated black guys from Manassas (the other side of the tracks), Alexandria, Woodbridge, DC…pretty much more-predominantly black areas where black males preferred dating black females. But it was crazy to grow up somewhere knowing that none of the black males wanted to date me.
Due to the fact that I was angry and annoyed that black males did not want to date me, I started to experiment with different races right before I left high school. I went on a date with a Filipino, a hispanic male and a Greek guy. They were all pretty nice and cute but I felt no real connection or like we had much in common so those relationships were short-lived. I thought I would never be able to find a man outside of my race who would “get me” so I went back to dating black men exclusively.
I went into the Army and began to date more black men but I started to date more of what I considered “exotic” men like Jamaicans and Africans too. I guess you would call them non-American and that was exciting for me. I fell in love with their accents and their different cultures. I loved their dominance and passion that Black American men seemed to lack. I also feel that the way black boys treated me growing up caused me to almost disassociate myself from them as I grew into a woman.
I am telling you my whole dating history because I want you to understand my logic and my way of thinking, my pain and why some women are hurt when they see black men with white women or women of another race. I used to resent white women when I saw them with black men, it brought back feelings of how the black boys I grew up with treated me like I wasn’t good enough to date. They made it clear that they wouldn’t mind sleeping with me but we would never be in a relationship. The way black boys treated me as I grew up made me feel like I was not attractive and that white women (and women of other races) were more desirable than me. I grew up thinking that wome of other races must be more attractive than me because males from my own race didn’t want me. I don’t recall seeing males of other races dating outside of their race so I figured it just meant black females were the less desirable race.
However, as I got older, I learned that all men are pretty much the same. Men who want someone who is easy, goes after females who are easy. Men who want relationships will take you more seriously, no matter what the race.
Another revelation that I remember from childhood are the black boys who wouldn’t date me because they claimed white girls were willing to do things or put up with things that I wasn’t willing to put up with. This was the case when we were children and where I grew up. I can’t speak for other situations or locations in the world. And if you’re wondering where did I get this information…black boys told me that information so it is not perception. They said black girls had too much attitude and weren’t willing to experiment as much sexually. Black girls were basically seen as prudes. Thanks, Mom and Dad…lol. No, I’m kidding. But my family raised me not to be loose so I just wasn’t and I wasn’t going to change to get a boy to date me. No thanks.
I always prided myself on not caring what people thought of me and I vowed never to change who I was for a man. I am a strong believer in compromise but completely turning into someone else so a man will be with you is ludicruos and makes it very clear that you don’t love yourself. I had my issues as most people do but my parents taught me to love and respect myself and that’s something I always carried with me.
As I got older and began to date outside of my race, I learned that people date whomever they are attracted to, have sexual chemistry with and who they feel most connected to. I begin to become more attracted to men as men and not as black, white, Filipino, etc. One day, as I became more of a woman, I started to simply see a man as a man. And that was the first day my eyes (and mind) really opened.
So now when I see black men with white women, I smile at them because they look happy and I am happy for them. I love to see people in love. There is so much hatred in the world. It’s nice when I see genuine love and am in the presence of true love.
I am now in love and he just happens to be a black American. I didn’t seek him out because of his race or nationality. We fell in love and I became pregnant with our youngest son and we’re happy and he “gets me”. And he loves my son that I had before I met him like his own son. If my boyfriend was white, Asian or any other race then that would have been OK too. I guess I needed to understand what black males saw in other races to truly understand how an interracial couple could be together or why they would want to be together. I always wondered how interracial couples dealt with racism. Would other races ever truly be able to support black Americans and the history/baggage that comes with us? I have seen beautiful interracial couples that work so I guess love does conquer all and every race comes with its own baggage. The most important aspect is the love, respect and support and none of those see a color.
I used to be one of those angry black women when I was younger and uneducated about the subject of love. Now I see clearly and I’m OK with it. It’s funny though because now the black men I see in the Whole Foods or walking down the street with their white girlfriends/fiances/wives seem to be more uncomfortable when they see me. Why is that? Again. Another topic for another day.
I think next time I see that couple, I will smile at them to let them know that there is a black woman out there who understands and doesn’t care who the black man chose to date. The beauty of being an American is that everyone has a choice.